My sweet, precious Mark,
You would have been 5 years old today. Sometimes it feels as though you have been gone such a long time, and sometimes it feels like I was just with you yesterday. I finally stopped listening to every little sound in the house, hoping and praying that you have come back to me somehow, like this was all a big misunderstanding. I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is real, this is my life now and you are not physically here anymore. I think that it was really hard for me to physically let you go, to see you slip past me into another world. It was a million times harder for me to let you go mentally and emotionally, I don’t know if I ever fully will.
There are so many things I want to tell you and I do every day in my head, I just wish I could accompany that with a hug, squeeze, and a kiss. We got your sister a cute little dog for her birthday, so she would not be so lonely. Funny , little Andy cannot replace you by any means, but she loves him, and I think you would have loved him too. I always ask myself why we can’t have you, why can’t you be here with us to enjoy such cute moments, and the truth is I still don’t know and probably never will. I must have asked myself a thousand times “why me, why did this happen to me?” the truth is I understand now is I am not the only one who had to go through this. While working on our charity I have met so many parents who are going through the same thing. I realize that this was a road I was meant to travel on. I was honored to have you in my arms for three years. You were mine, all mine. You were shared with me and then you went back home. To a place that we will all join you in one day, because families are forever, I firmly believe that now.
This was not an easy year for me, for any of us. I want to be happy for your birthday, I don’t want to cry, because you deserve to have my happiness for this special day. I can’t promise that there won’t be tears, but I promise I will go outside, close my eyes, look up at the sky and smile for you. My heart is trying to find peace and some day I will. It was very therapeutic for your dad and I to put up the headstone for your resting place. I can’t tell you how many night there was no sleep, just constantly working on the design of the stone. We wanted something original, something just for you. This was the last thing that dad and I could do for you and we wanted to get it right. I believe we did, the headstone is beautiful, and it represents you, your life all the way. The headstone is shaped like a piece of a puzzle, your daddy came up with that idea. You loved puzzles, and you are a piece of our family puzzle that can never be complete because you are not with us. We also put all you favorite cartoon characters all around it because you loved them so. The hardest part was picking a quote for the stone. We wanted something that would represent you, not something that people usually put. I was so desperate to find the right quote, I could not sleep, eat, function until I would find one. I did not need to look far. Your favorite movie was “Toy Story” and you would always say” To infinity and beyond”. Your headstone now says” We love you and miss you to infinity and beyond”. It might not mean anything to most people, but to us its you, simple as that.
Happy 5th Birthday my sweet, little boy. I wish I could hug you and kiss you, but I will send all my love up to you instead, you just catch it and hold on to it until we are all together again. “We love you and miss you to infinity and beyond”.
Mommy, Daddy, and your sister Maria.