My Dear Mark,

 

I don’t want to say it out loud, but I dread this day. January 22, will always be a heart breaking day for me. I will always remember this day as the last day I was able to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you and how sorry I will always be that cancer has stolen you away from me. That’s right I said stolen, it robbed me of you, it stole your hair, your smile, your appetite, your innocence and childhood. We missed so much while we stayed at the hospital and yet I will forever cherish that time. It gave us a chance to be together, nothing mattered at that point. You came first. I remember lying at night and watching you breath and thinking to myself how peaceful you look. Sleep was not an option for me, insomnia was my new best friend. That was fine, I was willing to give up all my nights just to see you peacefully sleep. During those nights I felt the closest to you, sitting watching the heart monitor, and praying to God that it will never, ever sound alarm that it is no longer beating. Thinking back on it all, I did not even need any of those monitors, I knew your every breath, your every heart beat, I could feel it deep inside me.

People say that if you cannot touch something or see something it does not exist. How do I explain than, that you exist for me? I can’t touch you, I can’t see you, but I feel you. I read somewhere that if a person looses a limb he can still feel phantom pain where his limb once was. This is what I feel every single day. You are no longer here, you are in a better place, I was told a thousand times, but I still feel you. My pain is not phantom though, it is real. You are still attached to me, and my heart, I can feel it, maybe no one else does, or understands, but I do, just like when I was pregnant with you. There was a time when no one else could feel you, even if they put their hands on my stomach because you were too small to let anyone else feel you, except for me. It was like a little secret that we shared and belonged only to us. This is the same now, I still feel you inside me, even if no one else does.  I love you and miss you so very much. My heart breaks every time I think about what could have been. I imagine you tall, strong, blond, with big, blue eyes, and a mischievous smile. I know you would have been the most intelligent, loving, sensitive boy, if only life took you on a different path. If only fate wouldn’t have brought this horrible disease into our lives, if only there was a cure. There are too many “if only” and not enough answers. I pray that one day there will be an answer to my one and only question “why?” I don’t know if I will ever be satisfied with any answer, all I know is that you should be here, with us. There will never be a good enough reason why you are not.I miss you, I love you, my heart always aches for you. 

 

Love always,

 

Mama, ,Daddy, Maria and Marta