My sweet son,

Today is the third anniversary of your last day in this world.  To this day, I cannot comprehend what happened, how I lost you.  Of course, I know exactly why you are not here- Cancer. That word still scares me to this day and will for the rest of my life. My heart still cannot accept everything that happened to you , to our whole family. I had three years to reflect on everything, three years to try and understand how it took a moment to lose everything I hoped and dreamed for us.  It will take a lifetime to rebuild. There are so many feelings that I keep to myself and share them only with you. Not a day goes by that I do not think or pray for you.  It’s true that sleep comes easier to me now, what kept me awake before does not, but my heart is never at rest.  My body might be but my heart is always longing for you.  My soul is always grieving and my hands are always reaching for you.  I am trying to live my life as best as I can. Our family is my whole world and you will always be missing from it. Nothing and no one can take your place. I know that for sure.  People expect me to act a certain way, or now that the time passed say I should move on. I know that everyone wants only the best for me and I appreciate it all. I also know that my hurt will never go away, it is something that I accepted and will live with. I want you to know that I am fine with that; it is something that I need to live through, because it is my journey in life. You had your own and it was much more difficult than mine. Every time I feel terrible, I always hold you as an example for myself. Your strength and bravery were extraordinary.  In your three years you went through so much.  I cannot believe that at this point I do not have you for the same amount of time that I did have you.  There is nothing I can do about that and it is really upsetting to me. I try to remember all the good times we had, the good memories we made, even while staying in the hospital, I would not trade those for anything.  We had our little room there; we played, slept, and watched your favorite movies and cartoons.  I can remember it so clearly, like it was yesterday, how you would wake up in the middle of the night and just want to play. The nurses would ask me where I got my energy from, when I would go days without sleep. At that time I did not know myself, now I realize I got it from you my son. You gave me everything I needed, energy, strength, love.  During those five months, we lived in our own little world, just mama and her boy.  We did not need anything else, we learned to be without almost everything except each other.

I love you always my Angel Mark, I can be without much, but not you.

Love Mama, Daddy, Maria and Marta

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