My sweet Angel,

     How I wish this day never happened. If I could, I would permanently ban this day from calendars, but then what good would it do? You still would not be here. Every year I dread this date. I can’t sleep, my mind keeps racing, thinking of what you went through, what we went through. On one hand I try to forget, but on another hand I obsessively go over every single detail I can remember. Your beautiful face, even in death, after months of harsh treatment, you still looked like a beautiful Angel. I kissed you, hugged you, and pretended that you hugged me back, only you didn’t because you couldn’t. 

  I did not believe for a second that I could survive without you, I did and do. I know that it’s you that gives me strength, but today, old wounds are open again, and they are bleeding, I suppose they never really stopped. I once read a quote in a book “ Grief is like a vulture pecking anew, when you least expect it”. This quote is my life, just as I think “I’m ok, I can do this life without you” another occasion comes up, like your birthday, Christmas, or this date, and I feel like I’m going to shatter into a million pieces. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m needed here, too many people depend on me, but in the back of my mind I’m also thinking you need me. How can a child be without his mama, and how can any mama survive losing a child? I know that I’m not the only one that had to go through a tragedy like this, unfortunately there are many of us. I pray to God that one day childhood cancer will be just a horrible memory. If I had to give you up, let it be for a reason that what the doctors learned from your death, and many others, will one day save another child’s life. I wish that no mother would ever have a last image of her child in a casket. I try to concentrate my thoughts on your beautiful, blue eyes, they were Angelic. I guess from the very beginning God send me an Angel. I was given the gift of you for three years, some of the best years of my life. I was also given a life sentence of being without you. I miss you so much, it’s impossible to find the appropriate words to describe the pain and emptiness in my heart right now. I love you forever, and will miss you until we see each other again. I’m so thankful for the time I had with you. Sometimes I ask myself, if I knew that I would lose you, would I still want to go through all that? The only answer that my heart keeps telling me is that I was meant to be your mama, you were the only one for me, and I was the only one for you. I had you for a short time in my arms, but I will always carry you in my heart.

 

We love always and we miss you so much

Mama, Daddy, Maria, Marta, Michael