My sweet boy,
I have this terrible need to run away and hide somewhere, I truly wish I could just skip this date every year. It seems that with time it just brings more pain and heartache. It’s like a horrible movie that you want to skip through the scariest parts, but you can’t. I can’t because with the fear and horror of that day there are also memories, while painful, but they are still of you. I can’t let go of them because that is the last time I held you, kissed you, hugged you, and had to leave the hospital without you. The worst possible thing a parent can go through is to walk out of the hospital without their baby. I honestly did not think that my heart could live through that.
Looking back on everything, there were so many signs that you were leaving, but I couldn’t see them or maybe didn’t want to. I know that God was with you in that room, I felt it, I just was not ready to let you go, never will be. I keep replaying everything in my head, and I keep going back to the fact that how unfair all of this is. Why did this have to happen to you, my baby? I will never be able to understand this. You were such a big, strong boy when you were born, so much energy, never really sick. Why? I wish there were more answers for our family and for those that are going through this now. How is it that so many people, children are still dying from this horrible disease, and the only real cure/treatment is putting poison in your body to fight? This doesn’t even make logical sense. It’s a miracle that some survive, but in reality what chance do little babies stand surviving cancer when their treatment is worse than the disease? Where is the funding, where is the research? No mother should have to pick out an outfit for her baby to wear in a casket. Why is there no outrage? We waste so much money in this country on things that do not matter, but childhood cancer gets very little funding. My rage is overwhelming every time I think about it. I wish I could turn back the clock, and hold you for just one second, look in your eyes and tell you that everything will be ok, not to be scared, that my love will protect you no matter where you are. I want everyone to understand and remember how special you are, not just to me, but to this world. I wish my love could have saved you, I wish my hands could have held on to you, I wish my heart could have remained whole and not be broken when you left me. I wish the last thing you saw was my smile and not my tears. I wish the last thing you heard was your sister’s laughter and not my screams. I wish your last bath would have been at home and not in the hospital. I wish you would have been in my arms right now. I pray that you are happy and free where you are. I always wait for signs from you, and I get them at the most unusual times. I live for them, and for my memories with you. No matter how painful they are, they are our memories, I can’t have you without them. They bring tears and laughter, love and heartache, peace and sadness, all at the same time. It’s hard to explain them, but I know that I can’t have one without the other.
We love you always and forever to infinity and beyond
Mama, daddy, Maria, Marta and Michael